The 13 Weirdest Amazon Items Available
You probably won’t believe this because it’s an outlandish assertion, but the internet is really weird.
There are plenty of websites where you can look deep into the online abyss of madness, and a few where the people there are even wearing pants, but few suspect that the lunacy is also invading the more sensible corners of the internet, right under their noses. There seems to be no way to keep the internet sane, as evidenced by these SFW oddball items found on everyone’s favourite online retailer. That’s right, Amazon are selling the weirdest stuff that you never knew you wanted.
1. The All-American Dog Mullet Headband
Do you feel like your dog isn’t enough of an ’80’s All-American Sports Hero? You never need to feel that way again. Get your dog this mullet headband and he can run around in training-montage bliss, playing volleyball and listening to a big boombox balanced on his shoulder, all day every day. Amazing.
2. The Old Asian Man Wall Decal
Frankly, if you don’t have a photorealistic decal of a 2-foot high Asian man looking confusedly out from behind your desk, you don’t deserve a desk. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t already have one of these. They also make perfect Christmas or birthday presents!
3. A Tiny Cannon
And speaking of desks, you can protect yours from invaders with a tiny functional cannon. This desk cannon is usefully portable and fires standard ball bearings, driven by small firework charges. Great for destorying the tiny little pirate ships that have been preying on the office, or shooting down the seagulls that have been stealing your lunch outside.
4. “Dancing With Cats”
Have you ever wanted to dance with cats? It’s not as glamorous or Kevin-Costner-y as dancing with wolves, but it is more attainable. Plus, if you ever feel like your cat is aloof or indifferent to your existence, the obvious antidote has to be trying to teach it to dance, right? That’ll definitely engage it. This is the wisest investment you will ever make.
5. A Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure
And speaking of becoming crazy cat people, why not grab a crazy cat lady action figure while you’re there? It’s posable and comes with a variety of cats, so you can see what you’ll look like after years of cat-dancing, in various poses.
6. A Nicolas Cage Pillowcase
Now this we can get behind. A pillowcase fit to show off in any room, but perhaps most at home in the bedroom, where you can lay your weary head every night against Nic Cage’s reassuring, smiling visage as he gazes contededly out. Such a beautiful piece. Not only does it make for a perfect addition to your own bed, you can also put them in guest bedrooms for your guests to notice as they drift off.
7. Ninja Claw Gloves
The “New Outdoor Mountain Tree Climbing Heavy Duty Hand Claw Spikes Set of 2 Pcs Claws Paw Hooks Self Defence” doesn’t seem to be able to decide what it wants to be. One the one hand, it’s billed as a piece of outdoor climbing gear, with “mountain” and “tree” in the title, but on the other hand, it also contains “self defence.” Like, you’re halfway up a tree (which you’re climbing with little steel claws in your palm rather than with your regular grip for some reason) and you are attacked! So you slap open-handed at your opponent, hooking them with these little hooks in your palm and sticking your hand to their face. You’re now stuck to your assailant while up a tree. Nice! Way to go, ninja.
8. Men’s Handerpants
If you’re bored of only being able to wear tighty whiteys on your butt, then you are exactly the kind of person who will probably wind up buying a pair of Handerpants to… wear under a pair of gloves? Underpants are underwear, right, and not even the kind made to be shown off, so it’s not like you’re meant to wear these with nothing else over the top. I don’t know, maybe I’ll have to get some for the winter, see what all the fuss is about.
9. 1,500 Live Ladybirds
Yeah, now we’re getting to the good stuff. 1,500 live ladybirds. Perfect for the gardener with an enormous aphid problem, or some sort of deeply unthreatening supervillain. Just open the box and DEAR LORD LADYBIRDS! LADYBIRDS IN MY EYES THERE ARE TOO MANY BUGS EVERYWHERE
10. A Full Fish-Head Mask
Speaking of being a terrible supervillain, if you preferred going with a fish theme, you could get your henchmen to wear this terrifying full-head mask. Perfect for terrorising your local aquarium or taking that “Business Fish” meme to the office in a big way. Or maybe you just want to show up that jackass Robert with the rubber horse-head mask that he thinks is so funny. Now who’s funny, Robert? Business Fish, that’s who.
11. An iPhone “Lawn” Case
To be honest, after some of what I’ve just seen, a little fake lawn that electromagnettically sucks up dust that you wrap around your iPhone… It doesnt even seem that weird any more. I guess if you were using a grassy green iPhone while wearing a fish mask, while covered in 1,500 ladybugs, it would be weirder, but I’m definitely losing my compass for weirdness here.
12. The Badonkadonk Land Cruiser
Ah no, there it is, it was pointing at this thing. A custom-built “land ship,” the Badonkadonk Land Cruiser is able to hit 40mph, and sports air conditioning, a full stereo sound system and carpeted interior. The perfect mobile fortress of any Mad-Mad-style lunatic, it is unfortunately not street legal, so you’ll have to stick to rolling around the desert or the wastelands where pesky road laws won’t get in the way of your rusty, rattling excellence.
13. An “Emergency” Inflatable Chicken
An absolutely essential part of any disaster kit, the Emergency Inflatable Chicken is will be there when you need it. It’s compact and portable, so you can keep it in a car or as part of a larger pack of emergency supplies. Simply pull it out of the tin and inflate it, and you’ll be ready to deal with all your inflatable-chicken emergencies.
Found anything weirder on Amazon? Been surfing around and discovered something that makes this stuff look boring and normal? Let us know in the comments and we’ll stick it on the article!